Tuesday, July 7, 2015

PUYB Virtual Book Club Chats with Dr. Ruxandra LeMay, author of 'My Spouse Wants More Sex Than Me'



Dr. Ruxandra LeMay is a licensed psychologist in Phoenix, Arizona. After earning her undergraduate degree in Business Management, she spent 15 years in the corporate business world. While working with numbers and negotiating contracts, she realized that she enjoyed working and motivating co-workers with different personalities and different ways of doing things. She liked working with people, helping them focus on their strengths, and mediating communication with their management or conflict with peers. It was during this time, she decided to dive into the world of psychology. She went back to school and earned her Master’s and Doctorate degrees in Clinical Psychology.
During her formal training, she continued with her interest in relationships, this time in family and couples’ therapy: pre-marital education, marriage counseling, and post-divorce mediation. In addition, she worked with adults and adolescents struggling with addiction, anxiety, and mood disorder related issues. Last but not least, as she became a wife and mother, women’s life concerns became another topic of interest. Pregnancy, breastfeeding, ante- and post-partum challenges, low sex drive, and parenting have all been at the forefront of her study for the last ten years.
She has a very direct and practical style. Therapy takes time and money. They are both valuable and she does not want to waste your time or your money. She wants to offer the most effective recommendations that you can implement right away so you can feel immediate relief from whatever it is that you are facing. Her book, blogs, and therapy are all a reflection of her belief that even small changes, if they are the right ones, can make a big difference in someone’s life.
Her latest book is the nonfiction/psychology/self-help book, My Spouse Wants More Sex Than Me: The 2-Minute Solution for a Happier Marriage.
For More Information
About the Book:

Title: My Spouse Wants More Sex Than Me: The 2-Minute Solution for a Happier Marriage
Author: Dr. Ruxandra LeMay
Publisher: LJAR Services, LTC.
Pages: 67
Genre: Nonfiction/Psychology/Self-Help
Format: Kindle/Paperback (available soon)

Is “not enough sex” a daily or weekly argument in your relationship?

Is sex at the bottom of your to-do list after mopping the floors, laundry, and packing the kids’ lunches?

Would you rather catch up on your favorite show than have sex?

Then this book is for you.

Nowadays, women work more than ever; they juggle a career, a household, kids, bills, pets, their own parents and in-laws.  In a relationship, marriage to be precise, sex is on a continuum: from hot and sweaty to non-existent. The author has seen numerous couples in therapy, all struggling to make the transition from “I can’t breathe without you” to “I would rather sleep than have sex.” Although most couples experience these changes, many don’t know how to handle them. Women feel exhausted, guilty, and wondering whether they need medication to feel some sort of sexual desire again. Men feel unloved, misunderstood, and highly frustrated. Nobody wins. And sometimes, the table turns and the man has a lower sex drive.
This unique book offers a practical solution that is a great compromise for both genders. It’s fast and easy to implement and maintain. It’s the real deal. The goals are realistic, easily attained, and make an actual difference in the relationship.
Dr. LeMay also talks about the fact that the female and male sex drives are different but there is no reason to apologize for such a difference. There is nothing wrong with women that have a low sex drive and not all men are addicted just because they like sex.
This book offers a compilation of tips and ideas to increase assertiveness and honesty during sex. Finally, the author introduces 10 insights into what affects female sex drive such as husband’s participation in household chores, his effort in looking good for his spouse, and his willingness to accommodate his wife’s sexual needs.

For More Information

  • My Spouse Wants More Sex Than Me: The 2-Minute Solution for a Happier Marriage is available at Amazon.
  • Discuss this book at PUYB Virtual Book Club at Goodreads.

Thanks for joining us at the book club, Dr. LeMay!  Can we begin by having you tell us how you got started writing about relationships?

Dr. LeMay: Thank you for having me. Well, my parents divorced when I was 15 years old. Even outside of their relationship, I can’t say I witnessed any happy or even content marriages. So, during my studies, relationships became an area of interest for me: anything from attraction, intimacy, communication, honesty, conflict to all of the other variables that affect a relationship, such as kids, in-laws, stress, money.
I did quite a bit of counseling for couples in various stages of the relationship, but I noticed people don’t ask for professional help until it’s too late. They usually talk to friends, family, pastors, or read books and blogs. So I wanted to reach to them earlier in the process. I also know from reading these books myself that the majority of the marriage resources out there are cumbersome, not always practical or easy to implement, or targeting one gender over the other. That’s not good enough for couples’ therapy. Couples’ therapy is one of the most difficult to do well because you have to capture both partners’ attention and then, almost dance with both of them, back and forth until they are able to make sustainable changes.
My book is short, easy to read by both partners, and it has behavioral interventions-ideas to change the behavior first, which in turn may change the thoughts and feelings. And it works!

What led you to want to become a psychologist? 
Dr. LeMay: I’ve always been fascinated by the human brain, how it works, why do people do the things they do, but psychology was not encouraged in Romania (where I was born and raised). I ended up with a degree in Business Management first and a first career in the corporate world. In my mid- 20s, I experienced some anxiety as I was adjusting to life after college. I found some psychoeducational books, read them cover to cover, loved them, and decided to go back to school. And I went all the way to get my doctorate degree. Best decision I’ve ever made.
  
Why have pregnancy, breastfeeding, ante- and post-partum challenges, low sex drive, and parenting all been at the forefront of your practice?
Dr. LeMay: As a psychologist, I get my expertise from processing and analyzing my experiences as well as reading or listening to others write and talk about theirs. As I progressed through life, got married, had kids, my outlook on life has changed, my therapeutic style and interests have changed.
For example, I have 3 wonderful boys that I absolutely adore, but my pregnancies were not easy: gestational diabetes, severe anemia, iron IVs, carpal tunnel, back pain, emotional roller coasters to name a few issues I have encountered every time. I was definitely not one of those happy, zen pregnant women on the cover of a magazine.
As I was going through these experiences and connected with other mothers, I realized that women are not inclined (or encouraged) to complain or say anything about what may tarnish our images of what we think is a perfect mother or perfect wife. We are so tough on ourselves and tough on each other. I can guarantee that men don’t subject themselves to all the ruminating thoughts, anguish, and guilt on whether they did enough in one day. We are truly programmed differently.
So, in my practice, I have always tried to rely on the research and others’ experience to help my female clients learn how to give themselves a break, take it easy, practice self-care, and to let go of any unhelpful negative thoughts.

Your book, My Spouse Wants More Sex Than Me: The 2-Minute Solution for a Happier Marriage, sounds terrific.  Can you tell us a little about the two minute solution for a happier marriage without giving too much away?
Dr. LeMay: The 2-minute solution is about accepting each other’s differences in terms of sexual desire without being offended, shaming each other, without the long nagging arguments about what is happening in the relationship. It’s about compromise and accommodating each other’s needs when one wants sex and the other one doesn’t. And, yes, it can be done in 2 minutes!
It’s about a shift on how we look at sex and intimacy, especially in a marriage. It changes the idea that good sex has to include 30 minute of foreplay, 30 minute of intercourse, and 30 minute of cuddling. Most married couples with kids don’t have the time or desire for that. Conversely, not having any sex at all (or just once per month) is not an answer either. My method is a bridge between the two options, but it’s based on research and it has a lot of common sense. I can tell you that most people can relate to what I describe in this book.

Why is it that men have more sex drive than women you think?
Dr. LeMay: Well, first I do have to clarify that is not always the case. I do know women that struggle with their husbands’ lower sex drive. However, generally speaking, the research shows that men have a higher drive; not only it’s higher, it’s also more consistent.  The main biological reason is hormones, specifically testosterone-higher sex drive, more physical stamina, and more aggression.
Female sex drive is typically inconsistent, with many ups and downs, depending on about a hundred things at any moment in time. I know we like to believe that we have evolved from the times when men went to war to use up their aggression and women were left behind to take care of the children. To a certain extent, we have. Both men and women have successful careers, work outside the home, and mix and match the traditional roles. But for some reason, once we have children, most women are still going to experience that nurturing desire. But nurturing kids and having hot sex don’t typically co-exist well together (different biological and cognitive mechanisms involved), thus the female sex drive takes a dive. 

Can you give us one tip on how we can have a happier marriage?
Dr. LeMay: A happy marriage does have a different definition and look for everyone, but from my perspective, the best tip I can give one is: work on your ability to compromise and let go, and keep a strong sense of humor. If you are not going to remember this fight five years from now, then it’s not a fight worth having. Let it go!

Thanks again for this interview.  What’s next for you? More relationship books?
Dr. LeMay: I have a couple of ideas I am working on: one is turning “the 2-minute solution” into a series, with the next book focusing on money and marriage; the other one is how to change unhealthy generational patterns to in order to succeed in your life and be a better role model for your kids.

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